im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
