You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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