I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
