and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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