plz talk dirty to me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Come on in and take your pants off
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