we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
