You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
