if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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