Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
