someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
