i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
