we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
ttyl tear gas
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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