it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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