mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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