hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
