Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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