Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
