Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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