if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
