I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
