I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
