I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
