WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
should my penis look like a turkey
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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