Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
