So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
