Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize