On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize