Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
