Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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