Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
