If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize