i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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