Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
