Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
