How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
