my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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