I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize