Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
