Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
