I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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