actually, I'm a sock model
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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