She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize