Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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