He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
