Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
