Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
