My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
