i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
