I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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