I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize