I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
