I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
