Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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