i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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