she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize