how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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