I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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