I am midnight drunk by noon
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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