i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
