Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Is it penis luge time yet?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
