Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
